Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

serving silly goose instead of turkey

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.