Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.