Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.