Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
They got a point!
