Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
You Might Also Like
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Just a bush.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Short story
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.