Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.