Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too