Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
repaired
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
How do you like your Corgi?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant