Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

Growing out my freckles.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

guys i’ve cracked the code

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.