*jingles half the way*
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]