@awescar

*jingles half the way*

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@TheWidowmakerX

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

@RoosterMustache

*i sneeze*

Atheist: bless u

Me: ha! i caught u

Atheist: no its just like, an expression

Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god

@robfee

Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.

@papasuncle

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

@ArfMeasures

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

@neiltyson

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

@MarfSalvador

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

@EmilyYoon

Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.

Thanks,
Emily

@Gooooats

That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?

@KenJennings

You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it “Chumbawumba,” right?