Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
*jingles half the way*
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Atheist: bless u
Me: ha! i caught u
Atheist: no its just like, an expression
Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god
Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.
That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?
You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it “Chumbawumba,” right?