*jingles half the way*
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.