Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You Might Also Like
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
But that’s none of my business
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
All excellent questions
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.