Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
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My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner