@ben_rosen

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

You Might Also Like

@kylekinane

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

@TuffyNyC

“Statistics show that most shark attacks happen in shallow water.” Really? Maybe cus that’s where the ppl are u idiots.

@loudmouth_usa

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

@KalvinMacleod

KIM JONG-UN: I’m banning sarcasm

ME: well that’s just great

K: what?

M: I reeeally hate sarcasm

K: seize him…I think

@david8hughes

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

@TheDairylandDon

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

@TheBoydP

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

@MelvinofYork

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down