Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf