jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??