Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.