Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Generation gap…

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem