Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

thanksgiving should be called feaster

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

It’s an epidemic…

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

good morning

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator