Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
This could’ve been an email.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.