@ThugRaccoons

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

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@Just__J0

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

@UGotMeRight

I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.

@Staggfilms

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

@KatMcSnatch

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

@aksorojas

I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.

@kailaniskye

my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

@Cravin4

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

@jergarl

The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.