My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
*our canoe tips over*
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I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit!”
“That’s Diane Keaton.”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.
my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.