Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

I love art.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.