Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
May your day taste like creamy soup.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
it must be school picture day
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.