Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
okay run it by me one more time
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry