Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.