Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings