[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
this is the news I live for
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
🤣🤣
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds