Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

dictator is short for richard potato

Breaking news:

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now