Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

This is my emotional support knife.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

Truly one of the great bangers

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?