Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

What?

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories