[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
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Basically.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?