Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.