Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

When your diet is finally over.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Cat or sheep

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.