Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Rooting for the overdog

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

Howl 😭

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.