[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
What do you hear?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Hmm, not sure about this change
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!