[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
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we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.