Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ape together strong

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Can. I. Help. You.

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

sry

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it