Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Oh my god

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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