Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home