Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers