Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!