Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

Catercrombie & Fish

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

United Steaks of America

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention