Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

🙁

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

there’s probably a fee though

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume