Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Smile they said.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot