Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

just make the entire table out of coaster

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

saw this in a dream

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Dumplings,

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.