Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Meanwhile in Canada…

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

welp

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me