Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Does beer think about me too?

I need to get some bricks…

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.