*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
an airline just for babies.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.