Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Cinematography is my passion

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.