Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

every. time.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

bros in the example zone 😭

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.