Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

“What movie?” 🤔

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’