Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Monica just destroyed the internet

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog