@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

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@IvoryGazelle

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

@squirrel74wkgn

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

@MelsLien

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

@TheSwanDon

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

@D_empiricist

If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree

@djdarrellripley

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

@lemmywinkler

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

@Reverend_Scott

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

@LoveNLunchmeat

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

@IvoryGazelle

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u