Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.