Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car