Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly