Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
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opening twitter today
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
your honor my client chooses dare
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.