Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.