Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Thank you corporation very cool

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

me hooking up with my ex

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend