Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

Ron is short for Aaronald

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

I’m good, thanks.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

Still my favorite headline of all time:

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.