[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.