[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
This is a bad sign
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU