@DanMentos

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

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Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?

Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.

Dr: …

Me: …

Dr: You were born in 1982.

Me: Maybe it Was 1982.

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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

@skickwriter

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

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When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I’m a vegan.

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@nettie0918

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

@torieannesalt

I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out

@CAshmanActor

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
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