[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

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Me: *accidentally barks*


Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?

Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.

Dr: …

Me: …

Dr: You were born in 1982.

Me: Maybe it Was 1982.


Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.


Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.


When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I’m a vegan.


I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.


The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.


I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out


Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!