[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
You Might Also Like
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!