[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
We have a winner.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”