Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?