[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist