@Browtweaten EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
@TheDreamGhoul [job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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@Browtweaten 
@JediGigi Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
@TheToddWilliams [Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
@RandomAntics Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
@juliareinstein me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
@bonehugsnirony Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
@trevso_electric “Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
@CakeThrottle My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
@GrantTucker And the headline of the year goes to…
