EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
You Might Also Like
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
And the headline of the year goes to…