[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut


Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that


Right? That noise.

~Me pretending that I know what I’m talking about when I get my car serviced


Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.


If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.


When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.


Wife: how was the doctor?

Me: bad I’m dying

Wife: I know, how was the doctor?


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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.