There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Right? That noise.
~Me pretending that I know what I’m talking about when I get my car serviced
Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Wife: how was the doctor?
Me: bad I’m dying
Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.