@TBH42
There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…
@TheDreamGhoul
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
You Might Also Like
@TBH42
@bridger_w
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
@Token_Geezer
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
@just1fool
Right? That noise.
~Me pretending that I know what I’m talking about when I get my car serviced
@keyboredest
Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.
@Pork_Chop_Hair
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
@junejuly12
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
@thenatewolf
Wife: how was the doctor?
Me: bad I’m dying
Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
@JoeMande
“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers
@FatherWithTwins
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.