[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Donkey Kong sommelier
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.