Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.